A few weeks before leaving on her mission, Kassi was asked to speak during sacrament meeting (our primary family worship service). This is the address she gave to the congregation. For more information on what our typical church service is like, you can click here.
If you had to describe me in one word, courageous probably wouldn’t be it. I don’t take offense to it, that’s just how I am. I’ve just been scared of a lot of things ever since I was little. My parents used to tell waiters and waitresses not to talk to me, look at me, or even breathe in my direction because I would instantly start crying. Strangers weren’t my thing. My parents love to joke about the time I came running into their room with tears streaming down my face. Concerned, they asked what was wrong, and I replied, “Madison wants me to play!” terrified of the thought of having to leave my parents side for a few hours. Needless to say, nursery was a huge adjustment, and if it wasn’t for Sister Haggedone sternly reminding me that crying wasn’t an option, I don’t know if I would have ever adjusted. I was the girl that was scared of sleepovers until I was at least 13 because I got homesick every time. My parents used to tell me my eyebrows would get stuck if I kept them down too long and forbid me to come into their room in tears after nine at night because for a while I did that almost every night. My dad always jokes that they did that because by the morning, my problems were always resolved! I always remind him that it’s because I had to figure them out all by myself all night! That’s why they were fixed. I mean I guess you could say I worry too much, because all too often, I find myself worrying about the fact that I worry so much.
Because I’m the scared one in the family, I find myself constantly trying to prove that I’ve got the courage to be just as tough as the rest. As the years have passed, I have learned little by little how to swallow my fears and put on a brave face like when many summers ago on a hot day at the pool I tread water just as long as Tyson did just to prove I was as tough and strong as he was. Or the time it took me countless tries at a wakeboard before finally mastering that if I stopped being afraid of hurting myself, I could hold onto the rope long enough to stand up on the board. Or there was the time I was totally afraid to jump off a small cliff on Lake George, but with much convincing that it really wasn’t much of a cliff at all, I summed up the courage and jumped. Even this last semester, I signed up for a tough half marathon in the mountains on all these windy trails, because if Tyson was tough enough to do it, I wanted to be right on his level. I still don’t know what I was thinking with that one.
For me, the decision to serve a mission involved a lot of courage. When the announcement was made at
General Conference this past fall about
lowering the age of eligibility to serve a mission, I thought to myself, wow, that’s pretty cool, but definitely not for me. In fact, part of me didn’t want to find out if I should serve a mission for fear that the answer would be yes. If I was too scared of sleepovers for so long, there was no way I could live out of the country for so long with hardly any contact with my family. However probably a month after the announcement I was sitting in the
temple with my roommates, reading the introduction to the Book of Mormon as I sat to wait to do baptisms I had the strongest feeling I should serve a mission. After I left the temple that day, the feeling didn’t go away. I knew it couldn’t have been just something that came from my own thoughts because the prompting was the clearest prompting I have ever had, and it really came out of nowhere. The strange part was that the idea of serving a mission didn’t scare me at all. In fact, it excited me. I was surprised how calm I felt about actually. It just felt right, and seemed to come at the perfect time in my life. Although the initial decision was easy, there were still several times along the way when I second guessed myself.
I remember one night back in December, I hadn’t officially declared that I was going on a mission and I sat down to talk about it with my brother Tyson and his wife Shannon. I remember feeling scared at the time, and the thought of a mission overwhelmed me. The two of them sat with me and talked me through it. I remember Shannon asking how I felt when I first felt prompted to go on a mission and she reminded me how confident I felt about going a few months back. She told me how fear and faith cannot exist at the same time and that if I was having fear about leaving, I wasn’t having faith in my original decision. That’s when I realized that faith and courage are pretty similar. Both are very important traits to have, but can be really hard to master because it they take you out of your comfort zone. They force you to forget fear, and challenge your strength. But with each courageous step you take or each faithful leap you make, there’s a lot to gain. The two sort of depend on each other. Sometimes it takes courage to have faith, and faith to have courage. But the one thing that separates courage from faith is that with faith, it’s not all about being tough. It’s not about trying to prove yourself to other people. The thing is that with faith, you’re not alone. The best part of faith is that God is there to be the tough one. God is there to hold your hand when it gets hard. God is there to replace the smile on your face and wipe the tears from your eyes. God is there to pick you up when you fall and carry you when you can’t take another step. With faith, you don’t have to worry about what others around you might think, because faith is between you and God.
When I was only a couple weeks away from submitting my mission papers, I would wake up several mornings so scared of being sent to some crazy island that I’ve never heard of to be forced to fend for myself, and I was scared of what I would have to eat, and if it would still have eyeballs on it, or about being gone from my family so long, or having to learn to speak some crazy clicking language. Basically, I was scared about everything there is to get scared about. And of course scared about everything you shouldn’t be scared about. But every single time I got scared, I prayed. I prayed to have the strength to do this. I prayed that if it was the right decision, I needed help and to feel at peace, because there was no way I could do this on my own. Without a doubt, every time I took the time to pray about my fears, God always immediately put my heart at rest furthering my confidence that I had indeed made the right choice to serve a mission.
When I was filling out my papers, the hardest part was deciding when my availability date would be. If you know me well, you know that I am one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I can’t make decisions without asking for everyone’s opinion first. So to decide when I would put my availability was hard. On the one hand I thought it would be best to just put my date for June 1st. That way I would have time to get my stuff together and to be home for a little bit with my family before I left. On the other hand, I really hesitated to put it that early because that would mean I wouldn’t be home to be in the
Hill Cumorah Pageant which would be a huge deal. Pageant has become a huge part of our lives over the past few years and to miss it would be really hard for me. I debated it back and forth for weeks. I knew either way would probably be fine, but I decided it would be best to just leave it up to the Lord to decide. As much as I would be so sad if I were to leave before pageant, I knew that I should have faith that whatever the date was, that it would be the best for me. I knew that if I was going to serve the Lord, I shouldn’t be so choosy about when I would serve. Up until my call arrived, my dad kept saying that I would be called to report July 24th, just a few days after pageant. He was so sure of it. However, as I watched so many of my friends open their calls, I wasn’t so sure my dad was right. July 24th was almost two months after my availability date, I didn’t think there was a chance in the world I would be called that far away. I started to prepare myself for being okay with leaving at the beginning of the summer. The day my call came, my family and friends gathered at my apartment to open it. A little bit earlier in the day, my family and I were making guesses about where I would be sent. We all guessed and I said if I were to go foreign, Spain would be my perfect mission. When I opened my call, words can’t describe my reaction. I was so beyond ecstatic about Spain I was going crazy. I was so excited I forgot to read what date I would report to the
MTC. When I looked down, tears came to my eyes. July 24th. I would report July 24th. Two days after pageant would end. I couldn’t believe it. I was amazed and overwhelmed with the words I read. I couldn’t even believe my call. It was the perfect call for me at the absolute perfect time. I couldn’t have even picked it better myself. For me, that experience was the biggest testimony builder. I felt so much love from my Heavenly Father. He knew that going on a mission was a nerve racking thing for me. He knew how much pageant was important to me and to my family. For most people, that might not seem like a big deal, but Heavenly Father knew how much it meant to me to be able to spend time with my family at pageant. I know that God loves me. I know that that didn’t just happen by coincidence. I know that He was watching over me and wanted me to be happy. I feel so blessed. That experience built my faith so much. I knew that God would be with me to help me overcome my fear and to help me to prepare to serve His children. Although initially, I had a hard time putting my faith above my fear, when I decided to put my fate in the hands of the Lord, I was truly blessed.
I think sometimes it’s easy for us to forget how much faith can help settle our fears. Just the other day my mom and I took my niece, Allie on a walk. My mom decided it would be best to take a shortcut through the woods to get to a joining neighborhood. As we walked through the backyard of one of our neighbors house, a small, yet very noisy dog came chasing after us. Allie immediately became so afraid. She jumped into my arms, wrapping her entire body around me, and held onto me so tight. She was frantic and wouldn’t calm down. I held her tight and kept patting her back, repeating, I got you Allie, you’re okay. It was hard to get her attention because she was so scared of the dog, she couldn’t focus on what I was saying to her. After we got farther from the dog, Allie realized she actually was okay, and started to calm down. She began to pat my back and repeated back to me, I got you, I got you. There are so many scriptures where God reminds us that He’s got us, yet like small children, we so often forget and let our fear rule our hearts. Here’s a few reminders I found:
"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
"And the LORD, he it is that doth go before thee; he will be with thee, he will not fail thee, neither forsake thee: fear not, neither be dismayed." (Deuteronomy 31:8)
"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come." (Doctrine & Covenants 68:6)
Not only do the scriptures repeat to us over and over why we should have faith, but our hymns do as well, "Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I will not doubt, I will not fear; God's love and strength are always near. His promised gift helps me to find. An inner strength and peace of mind. I give the Father willingly. My trust, my prayers, humility. His Spirit guides; his love assures. That fear departs when faith endures." (How Firm a Foundation, Hymnal, Pg. 85)
We are constantly reminded that we are not alone. We are told time and time again that with faith, there is no need for fear, because God is by our side.
Faith seems like the obvious answer over fear. But, do we believe it? When faced with trials, do we actually choose faith over fear? All too often, without realizing, we choose fear over faith. Faith may not be the easier route, because it takes time and effort to achieve, but the path of faith opens so many doors leading to peace and strength.
In a
general conference talk given by Richard C. Edgley in October 2010 he counseled, "Because of the conflicts and challenges we face in today’s world, I wish to suggest a single choice—a choice of peace and protection and a choice that is appropriate for all. That choice is faith. Be aware that faith is not a free gift given without thought, desire, or effort. It does not come as the dew falls from heaven. The Savior said, “Come unto me” (Matthew 11:28) and “Knock, and it shall be [given] you” (Matthew 7:7). These are action verbs—come, knock. They are choices. So I say, choose faith. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism.
We must act in faith to forget our fears."
No matter how difficult the trail, and regardless of how heavy our load, we can take comfort in knowing that others before us have borne life’s most grievous trials and tragedies by looking to heaven for peace, comfort, and hopeful assurance. We can know that God is our Father, that He cares about us individually and collectively, and that as long as we continue to exercise our faith and trust in Him there is nothing to fear in the journey.
Romans Chapter 10 asks how people are to believe in God if they haven’t had someone teach them and in verse 17 it reads, "So then faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God."
I am ready to be a servant of the Lord to share His message to the people of Spain. I am ready to teach people what faith is. I am excited to watch the people I serve choose faith over fear. I am excited to help people learn to have the courage to stand for righteousness even if it means standing alone. Although the decision to go on a mission took more courage and faith than any decision I have ever had to make, I know without a doubt it was the right decision. I am excited continue to develop my own testimony through deep study and earnest commitment to the gospel as I help create and transform the testimonies of the people I teach. May we always have faith as we strive to keep God in our lives.
